empty

by the way, it is February 18th 2012, happy sweet 17th birthday to my dearest brother I Kadek Aditya Nugraha! I wish nothing but the best for you, move on and find your love as soon as possible!

how to start it? aku gak tau hari ini aku harus bahagia atau sedih. serius aku bingung sekali. entah mungkin "someone has sent me a black magic" makanya aku jadi gundah gulana galau gini. i dont know what i feel. it's full, nooo! it's empty! i feel empty. cheers outside, cries inside. you know? it's empty

may be depression is slowly starting to affect me. everyone constantly make me fell useless. i miss my old self. i miss when people actually cared about me. i miss that time where i had fun every single day. i miss waking up feeling excited. i miss being crazy. i miss not being afraid. i miss feeling at home. i miss feeling beautiful. I MISS BEING ME!

sometimes, they just don't understand. no one would understand. i tell everyone im fine when reality i hate my self but they never realized. sometimes they hurt me, but i supposed to forgive them for everything. I'm supposed to act like everything is okay and I'm supposed to smile. I'm supposed to pretend that every time they hurt me i'm fine, i'm alright, feel great, and that nothing's wrong. well, guess what? its not! it'll never be fine and i will probably never forgive them for everything. they're suppose to be able to forget in order to forgive and I'm not even closed to forget anything. not now, not ever. i'm sorry, but you've hurt me so many times and its not like i can forgive you every single time. you'd understand but you won't. because i would do anything to hurt you (them), so you have no ideas what it feels like - being hurt by the person you thought would never hurt you. hmm I'm smiling but I'm dying :)

well, maybe i just need refreshing, maybe go somewhere with superman or friends will make it better. hmm oya, im fine exactly, im not depressed but im just realistic! it's me , the girl you'll never be. oke, thanks. xoxo